How Do I Stop Projecting My Insecurities Onto Others?
Oftentimes, I suddenly find myself overcome with frustration towards another person, and usually without good reason. Unwarranted irritation has ruined many possible opportunities for connection in my life, and in my search for understanding why exactly I did this, I came across something unexpected.
The answer was illuminating, yet uncomfortable — that I was projecting my insecurities and dissatisfaction with myself onto those around me.
A simple example of this would be if someone with insecurities about their own appearance were to begin insulting and criticizing someone else on something like the shape of their nose or the straightness of their teeth. The reasoning behind this is that the insecure person may feel a sense of control over their insecurity, or at the very least, control over the narrative.
However, acknowledging that I have been projecting my insecurities onto others is only the first step to overcoming the nasty habit. While I do still find myself falling back into this petty practice every now and then, I’ve been able to accumulate some skills in order to notice, evaluate, and separate myself from the negative thoughts.
NOTICING
How can someone acknowledge their projections in the moment? Usually, we tend to get so caught up in how we feel in reaction to something that the justifications for those feelings are lost on us until much later. A huge help to being able to name and notice these thoughts when they appear is to become crucially familiar with your own insecurities.
This may sound foolish.
“Why would I want to explore my insecurities? Aren’t we supposed to want to ignore them?” I hear you ask yourself.
My response would be, no, at least I don’t think so. Gaining wisdom towards the uncomfortable aspects to your personality can be a vastly overwhelming experience — yet an endlessly rewarding one as well.
I recommend making a list, in order from “least insecure” to “most insecure”, of everything that you may find yourself shying away from focusing on. For myself, I would put “biting my nails” much lower on the list than “my perceived intelligence”, for example.
Once you are able to name what your insecurities are, it becomes much easier to notice them inserting themselves into your judgements against others.
EVALUATING
After you understand what the insecurity is, you can start to work backwards in your mind towards why that insecurity exists the way it is. This is done by identifying the value you hold that isn’t being properly represented in your actions. After all, most insecurities are born from positive goals we hold for ourselves in life and are made up of the difference between where you are, and where you want to be.
For example, I tend to criticize others over small mistakes or laziness, and it’s entirely due to my own fears of falling behind in life. I value self-improvement, ambition, and drive. These are also values that, at this point in my life, I’ve been slacking on. This breeds anxiety and dissatisfaction, which expresses itself outwardly in the form of judgement.
Similar to the insecurity list, I implore you to have a list of your values on hand as well. These can (and, for the sake of this exercise, should) include values that you want to uphold but may not currently excel at actually achieving. By assigning the previously explored insecurities to each corresponding value, you can create a clear plan for eventually overcoming those uncertainties.
In the end, how we interact with others is a direct reflection of how we treat ourselves. Beyond the surface level, there is a plethora of perspectives inside each of our minds, and the output of those experiences is up to every one of us to decide.
So, the next time you notice an unusual frustration growing, ask yourself:
What is this teaching me about how I see myself?
