Am I Doing This For Myself?
I have a good feeling that any self-proclaimed (and chronically ashamed) perfectionist has had to ask themselves this question before:
“Am I Doing This For Myself?”
Which, frustratingly, is only answerable by the very voice that’s asked the question.
In truth, we all like to present ourselves as independent and unique individuals, as free from influence as possible. It’s a sign of confidence! I mean, just think of the phrase “-not like other girls” for example, and the positive connotations intended by its (now thankfully tired) usage.
However, at the very core of our formation as people in a society is an irrefutable capacity to be endlessly hypocritical, biased, and drastically shaped by our surroundings.
Nature Vs Nurture
Nature vs Nurture is a philosophical debate on the subject of human psychology, comparing the formation of someone’s personality between their biological or genetic influences and their environmental influences.
Nature, as used in this context, refers to the hereditary factors that affect how we interact with the world around us as we grow from children to adults. Think of how someone can be “just like their mother”, for example.
Nurture, on the other hand, encompasses the social, domestic, and general lived-experience factors in the formation of one’s personality.
I bring these theories up only to serve as an example of how malleable our human thoughts and behaviors really are, and that anything from neurotransmitters to childhood bullies can compose our “uninfluenced” psyche.
Yet, if we’re entirely out of control over our individuality, then how can someone’s performance of their personality be “real” or “fake”?
Authenticity
Authenticity, in regards to psychology, is described not as how “genuine” someone appears or acts, but rather how aligned their actions and behaviors are to their core values and beliefs.
Values are the attitudes and perspectives that measure how we perceive meaning in accordance with our experiences. Holding the door open for someone, for example, could be defined as an “authentic” gesture when done by someone who values kindness and empathy.
Too often, our conclusions in regards to our own, or even others’, authenticity is rooted in self-conscious thought patterns way more than it is in our own values, resulting in the belief that something, anything, everything we do is “for other people” or “just for attention”.
Attention Seeking
By many of our warped perspectives, attention-seeking is seen as the truest form of inauthenticity. However, when held up beside the actual definition of attention-seeking behavior, the true nature of these misinterpretations becomes more apparent.
Emotional outbursts, excessive need for outside validation, and/or acting out of character can be seen as solid examples of this behavior, and is often done as a desperate attempt at gaining support that is otherwise missing in that person’s life. Though, notably, there exists no points on how disingenuous these actions are to the values of said person. By this standard, would these behaviors still be categorized as “fake”?
This illuminates the dissonance between what many people-pleasers fear their actions to be perceived as, and the reality of the situation. At the end of the day, we can try to please every soul we cross paths with, but if we’d most likely never be cured ourselves by such an outside influence alone, our efforts will always be fruitless.
In Conclusion…
As previously mentioned, such a question as “Am I doing this for myself?” can only really be answered genuinely by our own selves. A simple rephrasing, however, can entirely change the tune of the question.
So, I implore you to instead ask yourself:
“Is this making me feel like ‘myself’?”
If the answer is no, then change the key to your melody! Find the value you can attach to the action, and reframe the purpose.
But, if the answer is yes? Then you, my friend, have been doing it “for yourself” all along!
